my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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