I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
