how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
