Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
