My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
