Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
