do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.