I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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