Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I deserve this hangover.
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