I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
