Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
