She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
