So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
