Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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