yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Watching her eat just hurts me
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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