I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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