how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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