I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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