She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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