you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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