Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
