dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
