There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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