Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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