Even the bartender felt bad for me
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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