What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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