The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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