I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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