do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
