The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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