Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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