Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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