A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
The power of my boobs compel you
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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