You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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