Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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