im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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