i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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