He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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