The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
