Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
