I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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