My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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