some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
