You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
