Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
