my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
