Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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