Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Randomize
