New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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