dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
