I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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