So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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