what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
