I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
