just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
