just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
